Lohan Nightclub Athens: A Review (Using Mean Girls Quotes)


You won't usually find me in da' club, but when I discovered Hollywood Icon Lindsay Lohan had her own club in the heart of Athens, I couldn't resist. Naturally, the only way to properly review Lindsay's Greek establishment is to use quotes from the classic Lohan film "Mean Girls". Spoiler Alert: Ms. Lohan was in the house the night I went!

“Watch out, new meat coming through” — Damian

The first thing to greet me at the club was a fire breathing demon statue on the roof. Hell yes, off to a good start! Passing below the demon, 10 staff members were there to welcome me. Only me. I arrived right when they opened (11:30pm!) and since I was there so "early," I was the only person walking in, drawing their full attention. They peppered me with questions. "Do I want a bottle!?" No. "Do I want a table!?'" No. They disappointedly sent me to a window to pay the €10 cover.

“That is the ugliest effing skirt I’ve ever seen.” — Regina George

Ok, this one is about me. As a world traveler my wardrobe is limited to essentials only, so the fanciest outfit I can throw on is a button down shirt, jeans, sneakers and my sailing jacket. And when I say sailing jacket, I'm not talking a blazer you'd wear on a yacht sipping mimos with Hunter and Chase, this thing is waterproof and meant to hold up in whipping wind while tying down the jib at sea in a hurricane. So I didn't quite fit in with everyone else who did have proper club attire. Why do I mention this? Well the club didn't care that I wasn't dressed to the nines! The dress code was loose enough to let a dude like me in, who wasn't draped in Armani, and I thought that was pretty cool.

“I know I may seem like I was being a bitch, but that’s only because I was acting like a bitch.” — Cady Heron/Byron Kennerly

“Four for you Glen Coco! You go, Glen Coco!” – Damian

I didn't get 4 four drinks at the bar, but I did grab one because a drink was included in the cover charge. After that, well drinks are under €8. Sweet! This was another pleasant surprise and a theme throughout the night: If you wanted to have a club night and not spend a ton of money, you totally could. Couple caveats here: I went in February, so I definitely could have been enjoying off season prices. Secondly, if you WANTED to spend a ton of money here, you could! Tables had a minimum spend of €600 and VIP was above that. I also saw several champagne bottles floating by in a bucket of ice with sparklers erupting out of it. I assume that cost more than my well whiskey. Side note: I asked the bartender what his favorite Lindsay Lohan movie was and he replied "I've seen a lot," thanked me, and moved on to the next customer. Super fan!

“I’m not like a regular mom, I’m a cool mom!” — Mrs. George

Yes, this one's about me too. Most of the crowd was in their 20's so I felt a bit ancient. Despite my advanced age I hit the dance floor and did my best to blend in with everyone who was much cooler than me. Perhaps, continuing to wear the sailing jacket may have been a mistake. The main dance floor is below an elevated DJ stage/vip area and things are a bit cramped. Yes, the place was packed but there is a bar inexplicably in the middle of the dance floor. It not only limits the space where people can dance, it creates several choke points for getting in and out of the dance area. The bar is possibly just an off season addition, but I was there on a cold, rainy night in February and it seemed at capacity! Move that bar and let us cool people dance!!

“She doesn’t even go here!” — Damian

Bathrooms usually don't hit my radar but the ones at Lohan Nightclub sure caught my attention! Or rather, being able to see women washing their hands in the ladies room caught my attention. And they could see us fellas. When designing this mega club, someone thought it would be a fun idea to have two way mirrors so everyone could see everyone of the opposite sex at the sinks. Nothing sets the mood better than seeing your date not wash their hands before you grind on the dance floor. This "feature" is a no for me dawg.

“Get in loser, we’re going shopping.” — Regina George

It's definitely an international crowd at the club. Of the people I spoke to, none were Greek except the bartender. I started chatting with two fellow Americans who had no idea Lohan owned the club, just heard it was cool spot. After a few minutes, the young ladies and I were approached by a Turkish gentleman who asked if they wanted to join him and his friends in the VIP section. They gave me a look that can only be described with the above quote and agreed to go...as long as they could bring me along. The bouncer pulled up the velvet rope, stamped our hands and we were now in the magic world of the VIP Section. I'd never been in one of these but let me tell you friends, it's VERY similar to the rest of the club! In fact the only difference I could surmise was an elevated position above the dance floor and a requirement to hit the drink minimum. The Turks had this covered and were even buying drinks for me, the old third wheel. Conclusion: VIP section good on paper, fun to say, but hardly worth it (and I wasn't even paying!).

“Yo, yo, yo. All you sucka MCs ain’t got nothing on me.” — Kevin G.

The music played throughout the night was your typical club fare, stuff with buildup, a heavy beat, and a healthy dose of the first 60 seconds of current pop songs. The strategy was to get the cheer and excitement from hearing the beginning of a song you like and then playing the next one before that excitement wore off. The high point for me was a club remix of Coldplay's Clocks which I assume was the low point for everyone else. The above quote really applies to the hype man though, a job that I was unaware of until I went to this club. What does he do? Basically he's on stage hopping around in front of the DJ with a mic and counts down before the beat drops in the song. He doesn't sing, or perform in any capacity other than this. But it kind of works! It gives the illusion of a live show with none of the talent required to pull that off. I'm going to start applying for hype man jobs. I think bringing a dry sarcasm to this position would really supercharge a club crowd.

“One time she punched me in the face. It was awesome.” – Bethany Byrd

At 3:15am, Eastern European Standard Time, the microphone was handed to a red haired woman wearing a black shirt and jeans in the VVIP Section next to the stage. But it was no ordinary woman, it was the Queen. Lindsay Lohan herself was in the building and addressed us. The crowd (loyal club subjects) erupted into a frenzy as she thanked us for partying with her and paying homage at her palace (I'm exaggerating, she talked like a normal person). There was a surge towards the front, with cellphones raised and Snapchat open, trying to get closer to the Queen. She smiled, waved, and danced, elevated above we mere mortals, in her VVIP perch. Now, I realize Lindsay will not be there every night but here's my take: She totally could be? Not IN PERSON, but they should lean into her iconic status. The decor is halloween store gothic with neon quotes adorning the walls (see "bitches" picture above) so why not make the quotes from Lohan movies!? The bar doesn't serve cocktails (reason unknown) but they should create some and make them Lindsay related. Wouldn't you order a Freaky Fridaquiri? Or a A Prairie Home Campari and Soda? A Mean Girls Mule perhaps? How about every time you want a double you say "make it a Parent Trap?" Also, a Lindsay movie should be playing on a screen somewhere in the club at all times. She's famous (infamous?), she's iconic, she's a character, have fun with that!

“I will keep you here all night.” – Principal Duvall

“We can’t keep them past four.” – Secretary

“I will keep you here ’til four.” – Principal Duvall

6am actually. That's when it closes. For real. The hours are 11:30pm to 6am. Since I'm old, I took Tim Meado..err..Principal Duvall's advice and left at 4.

“Gretchen, stop trying to make *fetch* happen. It’s not going to happen!” — Regina George

No Regina, fetch IS going to happen. Despite a club not being my first choice for a night out, I genuinely enjoyed LOHAN. It was affordable, not strict on dress code and went over the top with spectacle in a massive space. Make the bathroom mirrors not see through, create more room to dance and throw in more Lindsay kitsch and you've got quite the Megaclub. I think there's only way to sum up my experience...

“That was so fetch.” – Gretchen Wieners

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© 2020 Byron Kennerly

Cape Canaveral, FL